Feeling

9 Januari 2018

Today my roomate told me that she will get married soon, inshaa Allah. I don't know why, but...
"why am I feel sad?" no, it is not because she will get married, nor because she will left me alone, I don't know why, or maybe I know but I could not say it. I feel like I want to cry but my tear seems doesn't to come out, ya Allah why it's reminded me about one year ago?
So exactly one year ago, I felt in love like (or let say like, I don't want to say love before I get married, because I only want to fall in love with my future husband) I thought he like me too, so I told him about my feeling, it took a lot of courage to confess because I never confess about my feeling even sometimes I had a crush, I don't know why, my thinking was I should not confess if I could not take consequence to get married if my feeling were accepted, because I don't feel want to dating, so it was my first time to confess, because I was sure about my feeling and I think he can be a good husband. even before that my feeling kept rejecting him, because he is not my type, really2 far from my type. but I didn't know why we kept getting closer and each time my liking was increased. I think because of his attitude. I never met a man before who always lower his gaze, who is so kind and so obedient to Allah. it was my thought at that time. I only dare to confess to him after he moved to Tokyo, I thought rather than I kept asking whether he had the same feeling with me or not *because he seemed changed after move* and maybe I can help him to get a job by using my visa at first. but soon after I told my feeling, he rejected me. he even prayed that I will find a better husband while at that time I was liking him, how can he told so? he even told about the story of prophet Muhammad SAW *I ever heard about this story* and he told me that he had asked Allah and it was the answer, since he had mention about Allah's answer, so I could not said anything anymore. so I just accepted it. but my heart was deeply broken.
I thought I would be okay, but after that I was crying like a baby. I cried to Allah, I really don't know whta should I do to calm my self, so I opened fb, it was already midnight ot maybe late. and rright after I open fb, I read a page post about "Al-Quran is a healer" so without scrolled down more, I immediately take my Qur'an and read it. I was crying while reading it but it didn't take a long time until I got calmer and after that I slept. I slept quite deep as for someone who just brokenheart. if I didn't read Qur'an I think I would not sleep at all at that night. Alhamdulillah.
in the morning I just woke up like usual, but I still remembered the incident last night. I went to univ and did experiment as planned. but when I did my experiment. I felt like I lost my soul, I really feel so weak and tired, even I didn't know what I did *and to fastfoward, all my bacteria.got contaminated, and I know it was because of that*
so in the night, I told him about that, and he still consistent with his answer. and again I was crying.
I almost forget about the story but I was trying to propose him. However after that I found out that he likes a japanese girl, a beautiful japanese (even he gave me a reason about an arranged married by his family and others condition) but I am sure it wasn't a main reason. it seems Allah wanted to give me a hint, he implicitely tell the reasons. and it was broke my heart because I thought he was different, but man almost the same. I hope Allah will marry me with someone much2 better and sincere. Aamiin.